at 10
he was still upset he never got a baby brother
"it sucks to be the last one"
he used to say with a smile
he felt older by saying sucks.


and if you want to leave i won't stop you
but you need to know
that sooner or later i will call you
and i need you to know
that that won't happen because i'm weak
because i need you and i'm afraid of living without you
i will call you because i love you
and i'm old enough to tell love and need apart.


for years
i kept rowing against the flow
looking for a clearer view
neglecting what i felt was unimportant
if it really was
lately or maybe finally
(i still can't get myself to admit so)
i'm rowing along
i'm just rowing along
don't fight no flow anymore
i just want to get to the sea
i'm happy just by doing it
on my own boat.



was it that hard?
i keep asking my younger self
was it really that hard?
did we accomplish what we set for?
did we find what we were looking for?
or at least find out what it was?
and if we did so
why is success so tasteless?